Every Monday morning, I pray you have a good week
Every evening, I pray you fall in to a sound sleep
Every Friday, I pray your weekend will be safe
Every Sunday, I pray you are in a peaceful place
And sometimes, when I’m feeling selfish, I pray you will be mine again
An atheist caught in a cycle of prayer.
Sometimes I wonder what I did to lose you, then I remember I’m the first woman you’ve ever fucked without a condom and you won’t ever trust or love anyone as much as you trusted or loved me. I didn’t lose you. You’ll be back.
I hate you, and I hate being alive. I hate that you make me hate being alive. I hate everything about you. I hate how you make me feel. I hate that you are gone. I hate your smile. I hate your friends. I hate that I can not make you happy anymore. I hate your front of disinterest. I hate your reserved demeanor. I hate that I am not over you. I hate your happiness. I hate that I doubt that you are really happy but will never ask. I hate that it has been a month without speaking. I hate being weak. I hate you for making me feel weak. FUCK YOU.
I hate you. You tricked me. You made me believe love is real. Now I am here all alone. Where did you go? Why did you do this to me? I just wanted to treat you so nicely. I just wanted to make you feel special. You made me feel so special. Why did you leave me? I never let myself get vulnerable. I opened up to you. I am a fool. Why is this so easy for you? You never loved me. Why? Why doesn’t anyone love me? I just want to feel special. You made me feel special. Come back to me. I am sobbing and rage typing. You’re out boating with your boys. How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I was strong. I was independent. I was confident. You’re gone and all of that has followed. Give it back!!!!! You can’t steal it from me! Why did you steal my sunshine?! Take your cloud. I do not want your darkness. How the fuck did I let this happen? I am sitting here sobbing and all I can think about is how I just wish I had you. I am so angry, but if you want me back, I will accept. I will happily bound into your arms once more. How did you gain this control over me? You don’t even want it. You don’t even want me anymore. But you have me. You have all the control. Come in and knock my lights out, I’ll still love you. Just come back for me. Why did you pretend? Why didn’t you let me stay happy? I wish I never met you. You stole my happiness. You fucking thieving asshole. I miss you so motherfucking much. I miss your kindness. I miss your intelligence. I miss your emotional insecurity and immaturity. I miss your hands and your hugs and your smile. You always know what to say. Why can’t you say it now? Say you want me back. I want you back. I will beg on my knees for you, and I am not even on your mind. How sad is that? Is this love? Because I swear to God, this is love. It sucks so badly. Why? Is there happiness? Can love and happiness coexist? If so, where can I find it? You have stolen everything! My love and my happiness! That’s all I wanted. You were my first love and my heart is broken and you do not care. Why did I let myself love you? I knew it was a mistake. I knew it. I let it happen anyways. I hoped you were riding my wave. You were not. This is fucking awful and pitiful. I want to scream your name from the rooftops and then jump. Why? HOW DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? Maybe you’re a witch. I bet you are. I am so cursed. Fuck you.
I feel as though I’ve been taken victim to a predator I cannot see. My predator is not one I can see. My predator is not one I can touch. My predator is not one I can hear. However, the predator sees, touches, and hears me. On the darkest days, he sings his nefarious tunes in my ears. He clouds my vision with insecurity. He turns my warm heart to stone. On some lighter days, he leaves me be. However, I never doubt that he will return for his prey.